I hated to have to do this! But what Punxsutawney Phil did on February 2, 2021, can not go unpunished. Phil wanted six more weeks of winter! This Hog, Yes I said it, Hog! Declared that the process was not right in determining that spring had arrived early on February 2, 2021. Phil’s followers blindly perpetuated this lie. Not only do I want Phil removed from Punxsutawney, PA. I want him marched out in front of the other animals of this state and nation. Let this be a warning to all mammals everywhere! If you spread falsehoods without evidence your name shall be written on the list. Once on the list Phil will not be eligible to reside over any seasonal transitions. His seat on the fairies of teeth, hunters of eggs, and givers of gifts shall be revoked. Back to this dastardly deed. Phil, hog of the ground, knew the sun was coming out. He knew the Rabbits, Beaver, and his cousins the Porcupines did not want to get back to work on burrows, dams, or houses of quills. We all have heard from the Elk, Deer,and Moose. They are the experts on the coming of spring. As reported on the Thisday Show in an interview with Bullwinkle it was stated all votes were counted from the kingdom of four-legged walk-in and feathered airmail ballots. It was clearly reported by the unbiased unicorn’s association of unbiased truth givers that the votes for early spring were 1 billion for and 47 against. This was ratified by the counting firm of the Malayan tapir. Despite the tabulations, Phil declared he somehow magically saw his shadow and that was that! The snow would continue with no animals allowed to dine, drink, or dance within six miles of another species. Unless it was in protest of the speciesist decision to not allow Smokey the Bear’s son Sniffy who was born a Grizzly Bear, but who identifies as a Koala Bear to not compete in the Koala world wrestling championships. Canidae News has falsely reported that Canadian Brown Bear who is in the U.S. woods illegally voted not only in this seasonal transition but the 2016 prolonged warm Autumn extension month (formerly named the systemic racially biased I-word summer).
It was clearly demonstrated the Eurasian eagle-owl of Russia had tampered with Punxsutawney Phil’s election one leap year ago. So now it is up to us the knowers of the absolute truth. To make sure that Phil is banished along with all of his Punxsutawney 2020 flag-waving supporters.
Bald Bigfoot 