Could this be the end…

It all started common enough. But then again most life changing events do.  Needless to say it didn’t end common.  In fact it has not really ended yet. 

Let’s start at the end. It’s 3:00 am and pitch dark.  A little snow / rain mix is falling. It was hard for me to tell which were the ones zig zagging tiny rivers and streams starting at the top of my bald head cascading into waterfalls off of my brows. Then the raindrops were a mixture of stinging sweat that fell on my cheeks and continued their journey down and around my chin before disappearing down my neck and under my North Face sweatshirt. Let’s back up just a bit. I would need this sweatshirt because it was 30 degrees. I climbed down ten feet to my jeep to the front door that I had left open when disembarking the vehicle which sat at a 45 degree angle back to the front wedged as Pooh Bear had in one of the books I had read my granddaughter recently IN A GREAT TIGHTNESS!  Yes in deed as I surveyed the scene as a defeated general would a battlefield and it told the whole story. 

I had decided to make the twelve mile trek up and over Long Meadow road. It was a tough go. Slow but not impossible. I had to winch out four times the past week while enjoying my after work ride along this route. As I enjoyed my evening snack of wheat thins the snow started coming down hard. At one point I turned off all my overhead lights just to see the side of the mountain road. I slowly picked and whined in four high in first gear mostly. At one point by the Grizzly Ridge turnoff I did get stuck. This was time enough for me to take a pee break and assess the situation. Nothing too terrible. The snow was wet and heavy which made it sticky. I climbed back in and shifted the gear shift to neutral and gave the four wheel shift knob a hard pull backwards into four low. Then I pushed the button to engage the front and rear lockers. 

As I slipped the gear into reverse I felt the jolt. Good the tires were grabbing onto the ice snow whipping cream. Slowly it inched backwards. Then I could feel all four wheels break free and start to spin. Apply the brakes, take my hat off and set it next to me. Take a deep breath and  polish off the first of two bottles of water that roade in the passenger seat. They had laid there staring up at me this entire ride with looks as if to say; Really you’re doing this shit again!  Yes I was. 

Back to the jeep in four low with front and back lockers on. This locks the front and back wheels to one another so they don’t spin independently.  As I slowly pressed the gas pedal the jeep started to move forward so I applied more gas and the battle began. The tires threw snow as I swung the steering wheel back and forth to gain traction and the tires excavated the walls of snow and ice from the tracks of trips prior. This was a slow fight, each gaining and losing momentum. One instant I was sure I was back on my way but a drift of soft marshmallow whiteness would grab my tires and hold on with sticky fingers that threatened to stall my forward motion. Then with the whip of the wheel and a jab of gas pedal the thick tread ate up the marshmallow slush and spit it out behind me for the next adventurers to deal with.  Which I’m sure most certainly be me. This tug of war played out over the next hour then finally it concluded with me pulling onto the Yaak River road. Now I relaxed and slipped back into two wheel drive. I enjoyed the sound of pavement under my wheels. 

As I turned at the mercantile to head back the last four easy paved miles of south pipe creek rd. I downed the rest of the second bottle of water. It had been an accomplishment to get over the twelve miles of long meadow. The snow returned lightly now and bam! There it was, deer!  I jerked the wheel to miss it’s head but two seconds later the sound and feel of an animal under my jeep rolling, kicking, and pushing as it made its way along the bottom 

  As I conjured up in my head the aftermath of this and the potential that the animal was still alive and would have to be put out of its misery with a single shot from my 45 which was sitting under my passenger seat. I did not look forward to this. I could pretend to be a mountain man that would simply snap the animals neck with a Chuck Norris twist of my hands. Or perhaps just tear it’s juggler out with my white teeth that would glisten in the moonlight. Or perhaps just hold its head as I took my knife and cut its throat and let life pour out onto the road like a broken bottle of red wine. Well the truth lies somewhere in the next few paragraphs. Most likely it was dead.  I hoped. I would pull its tangled body out from under my jeep and over the bank for the wolves and coyotes to feast on. Or maybe as I pulled it would snap back to life and kick me in the nuts. Or yet the most likely ending would be me grasping my mighty black 45 and pointing it at Bambi’s head and click!  Oh ya I never have a bullet in the chamber. I will pull the action back and release.  Thus thrusting a golden shining bullet of doom into the chamber. This time I would take aim then most likely close my eyes and pull the trigger missing the deer but blowing one of my tires out or putting a hole in the side off my door or shattering my side window with the entry wound.  Then taking out my windshield or a very important piece of mechanics in my engine on it’s exit. Funny enough these thoughts took maybe a second and a half to play out in this empty black cave of a brain of mine. So I pushed on the brakes at which point the front of my jeep made a ninety degree turn and headed over the edge. I grabbed the door handle, I clicked the seat belt and thought f$%k that deer I’m outta here. My brakes that I had let off now did little to slow the speeding Jeep as it headed towards the ledge of the canyon at about 5 miles an hour. I then spotted the clump of trees that I hoped would stop this 3 mile an hour missle up, over, and down into the trees. Bang!

I was stopped. Covered in wheat thins that I had set behind me on a box. I sat there for a bit thinking if I just would have listened to the water bottles that had tried to warn me with their stares of a lack of my ability. 

After what seemed a fair amount of time I climbed out of my jeep to do battle with whatI was sure was only a leg of the deer by now.

The first thing I noticed as I slid down a forty five degree incline on snow and ice on my back.  I should have paid more attention in geometry class and less to Batman and Robin walking effortlessly up the sides of buildings on TV. 

After what seemed an eternity that rivaled Hilary’s ascent of Mt. Everests, I proclaimed My F$%king Knee!! Ouch, but I didn’t have time for that. 

Now I turned my attention to the deer. Unarmed because I lacked the fortitude to work my way back down the passenger side of the vehicle to retrieve my gun. It would be a fair fight to the death. Who am I kidding. That deer was going to kick my ass then eat the rest of my wheat thins.  Oh but right there in my storage bag on the spare tire was my four way lug wrench. Not as a lethal a weapon as its cousin the straight lug wrench that was more often used to kill a snitch in the mob movie then change a tire. But I had seen enough Jean Claude Van Damme movies to be able to nunchuck this vixen in the temple. My mom had instilled in me the fear that if I was accidentally hit in the temple with anything so much as a stale marshmallow I would die instantly. 

So I prepared to go into a whirling dervish Van Damme four way wrench to the skull of this piece of s$%t reckless deer.  Or possibly an elk or moose I hadn’t seen but a glimpse of it before it had set off the chain reaction I just explained. No I was now working up anger toward this menace. It would be the only way I could kill it.  Instead of  loading it into my jeep and spending thousands on deer surgeries and keeping it as a pet. 

I circled the back of the jeep and peeked underneath. Not there!  I looked on the road, not there. I walked back down the road following a path of destruction that told the tale. A tale of what though?  As I walked back towards my jeep with total relief I would not have to become a cast member in a Quentin Tarantino movie.  I spotted it. Or I actually un-spotted it. My back driver’s side tire was gone! My first thought was the deer took it. That son of a bitch.  Moments earlier I was going to pay for a total deer reconstruction and go through a lengthy legal process of adoption and he does this. Steals my tire. Why I’m going to go all Helter Skelter on him. 

Now wait that didn’t make any sense. How would he grasp a four way lug wrench with no opposing thumbs?

Okay settle down I said to myself. I walked to the tireless jeep wedged in a great tightness up against trees over a bank of a mountain road that no one would be traveling until morning. 

Ok after watching Columbo as a child I had the advantage of figuring out what had happened. But first I slid, skated, fell down to the back of my jeep, got the back cargo door open and was able to retrieve my headlamp. I also grabbed my survival backpack and yes Spider-Maned my way to the front passenger door and got my pistol. 

Now back up on the skiff of a snow covered snow I retraced my tracks. I saw where I swerved then I saw where my tire came off and started bouncing. Track. No track, track, no track, and finally there on the side of the canyon it disappeared into darkness. Now to the Jeep. Oh boy it was a mess. Tire gone, resting against two sentinel trees. A couple of lights were broken. It sat flat on the snow. I grabbed my knife and cut my cross country skis down off my rack along with the poles. Threw on my back pack and started skiing my way back to school. These were less than ideal conditions. At one point I thought of throwing the skis in the woods and continuing in just ski boots. But I still couldn’t shake the thought that these deer had some sort of a snatch a tire off a truck and then steal everything out of your vehicle scheme going on. No I forged on. I arrived back at school around three am. I was soaked from sweat, rain,  and embarrassment that I lost a battle to a deer.  Fast forward three hours.  I rose early, sore  but no worse for the wear.  A hot shower three hours before washed away the sweat and much of the embarrassment of the deer ordeal.  A quick call to roadside assistance soon let me know this person on the other end could be in Antarctica.  She can only get her gps to get within thirty miles of my Jeep.  No worries I let her know.  I will wait for a local tow company to open.  I waited until nine am and emailed my insurance agent.  I gave him a summary of what happened the night before.  Eventually they sent a tow truck to drag, pull, jerk my wounded vehicle back up the hill and onto a flatbed.  My Jeep is at a repair shop awaiting parts to put on it to be able to drive to see what else is damaged.  So back to the question of is this the end of my Jeep Rubicon’s adventures.  Not to steal a line from one of my favorite TV shows, The Six Million Dollar Man, “We can rebuild him.  We have the technology.”